Thursday, May 29, 2014

March of Sangeeta...

Behold...I am about to turn 40. I have almost made it..I have been pondering on how to venture all "Sangeeta Style" into this very especial year of my life ..and boy have to admit Sangeeta Style is confusing. So then I took a deep deep deep breath and thought about something wonderful.

From now until my birthday, I am going to do 40 things for others. 40 things that involve someone else's benefit. 40 little/medium/big acts of selflessness..40 things to inspire the human being inside me. 40 things that have nothing to do with me. Then I stopped..this is not true. Everything I do or will do will give me something in return. It will help me find myself in return. The part of me which may be I lost while growing up each year of my life. 40 things will teach me hundreds of things I used to have as a baby and how I gave up on those things when I grow up to be this Sangeeta I am..

The big big big issue is I do not know those 40 things. The awesome awesome awesome issue is I do not know those 40 things. I know I need to start small and I need to keep my eyes and heart open. I am certainly not expecting you to expect big things from me. It could be just a simple act of opening a door for a mom carrying a kid and a heavy stroller or asking a co-worker how he or she is and really LISTENING. Small is Big - for me. Small is good - for me. Small is everything I am looking for. Small counts when I do it purposely and wholeheartedly...

So I am asking your help my virtual friends. Close your eyes and pray for me that when Sangeeta starts her day she has a burning desire to find a cause and when she sleeps she has a smile - well - on most days..

If Sangeeta has what it takes, Sangeeta will come back to her blog and blog her journey. small step at a time..slow and steady..

Thursday, May 8, 2014

remembering you...

Dear S,

It's been years I wanted to write to you since we can't talk now. The more I waited , the more the guilt I felt and then I waited some more.

I remember my first day in a new company and I felt like a country mouse lost in the city. Amongst a bunch of new co-workers, I was somehow able to make it till lunch time and that's when I ran into you. I noticed your bright white teeth and big happy eyes. They invited me right away. As I walked towards you, you did the same. I noticed you limping a bit. As we stood close, I noticed your smile was perfect. Warm and simple and inviting. We hit it off right away. From that day on, you became the only constant in my changing professional world. A place to rest. A person to talk to. A friend to share with. I waited for lunch times so I could see you and talk to you for a few minutes. I wanted to know how was your day when I came to office. I missed you when you took days off. All this while I wondered if I should ask you about your leg.

One day as we were out for a walk and taking escalator, I asked you. You grinned and said you had a visitor in past. The big "C". He is all gone now with this tiny itty bitty thing left behind as a sign. You shook your head and looked at me. I knew you what you were saying to me. You were just you. You were not someone who has something or had something. You are your usual jolly self. I never brought it up.

A year later you stood next to me in cafeteria while I picked strawberries to fill my plate and waited patiently. You nodded and said "Ignore people waiting. You crave for it. You get it." A few months later, you called me in hospital to wish me luck as I started motherhood. As I got all wrapped up in work and home, you kept calling and I kept being busy. A few months later, I caught you near the exit door. For the first time, you looked lost. But then you smiled and told me they no longer want you here. As I wrapped up my busy days, I thought I should call and check on you every day.

A few months later, I got a call from you. You sounded tired but still happy and content. You said I need your help. Suddenly, all the work I needed to get done flashed in front of my eyes and I said to myself, now what? You said the big has "C" visited you once more and this time its brutal. My eyes welled up and voice choked. My words were frozen and I looked at myself with pity. You needed help from me to fill your official work.

A few weeks later, as I sat all tired in bus going back home, you called me and said you were still fighting. Fighting with all your might. And your kids are suffering. I sat there shaken. thinking about my kid and your kids. I told you I will come and help you.

A few days later, I felt I need to talk to you right away. I need to meet you right away. I missed you badly. The bad feeling surrounded me whole day in it's own busy way. I emailed you. I called you to get your voicemail. I sent email to your friend asking where were you. Why are you not responding. I refreshed my email often to see if I got any word from you.

A few days later, your friend emailed me back saying you are no more.

My friend, I missed talking to you before you left merely because I thought I was too busy. I postponed calling you because I thought nothing can happen today. I failed at being a good friend because I thought I was already too good. You taught me such a big lesson without saying a single word.

This is for you "S" - so sorry...