Saturday, April 5, 2014

Why am I the way I am...

J and N,

One day when you wonder why you are the way you are, this will help you…

I have fear of failure. It makes me not want to do stuff. I remember all the times I have failed..I remember everything very clearly. What made me fail, people around me, my reaction, my sentiments…everything like it happened yesterday. Fortunately for me, I have just enough memory to remember that the number of times I have succeeded is far more than the number of times I have failed.

I have fear of commitment. At times I get anxious about the smallest thing possible…I might invite people over for lunch and just a day before they are supposed to come, I find myself finding excuses to cancel it. Fortunately for me, I know I always go through this loop and somehow  have always come out of it with brighter colors. So I just let it be.

I am afraid of heights. I have lived on the sixteenth floor of a building for many years now. Every time I look out, I remember my fear for heights. Fortunately for me, every time I look out, I have found something in the sky that does not fail to amaze me.

I consider myself born broken with label “Extra Fragile” on me. I have never been able to be practical in any small or big situation until now. My heart breaks throughout the day on many simple things. Fortunately for me, I love being broken, fragile and vulnerable.

I have heart, soul and mind. Heart is where everything is created. I might know what it is until my soul lets it in. Soul is where the assembly is. With band and music. Soul invites my mind over there. Soul says “Mr. Mind, Today I am extremely happy and filled with all sorts of positive feelings. You can be happy and you can work too”. Other times, Soul says “Everything sucks brother brain.. Sorry Not a good day..You can take a break today..P.S:I still love you…” My heart and soul have always won over my mind. My brain has never worked without my soul’s permission.

I believe there is a like a real fire truck engine inside my heart somewhere. No kidding. Its bright red and I can’t ever ignore it. When I meet a stranger, sometimes the fire engine starts speeding to some destination. The siren is blaring and the lights are flashing. I hear it..”Fire in Sangoville…Code red..code red ..” I drop everything and pay attention to this true calling. May be this is the connection I can’t ignore. If I do ignore it, the fire will eventually consume all the  Sangeeta-ness in me. So I surrender to it. Without worrying about space, time, outcome..any of it..

Someday you will wonder why you are the way you are…you are the way you are because ..

And it is not just okay, but extremely positively absolutely okay to be the way you are…


Wednesday, March 26, 2014

A so called detective..

I took it upon myself to find out why I wanted two kids to begin with. I must say looking at the result I am amazed how naive I was. Then I started closely watching them and making some notes in my mind.

On a typical weekend when I expect two nicely fed and rested kids to play, Jay complains "I am bored." Then Nina complains "I am bored.". Then I turn to Jay and say "How come you are bored? That was the whole reason I wanted two of you." Jay does not even wait for a second and says "I want one more..third one." I do not even wait for a second and say "Then three of you will get bored seperately. Whats the point of going through all this pain again?" Jay gets it. Smart kid.

When the kids are not bored, they are fighting. It feels like they fight until eternity. sometimes eternity times eternity. Then I took it upon myself to find out if there is any time of any day in any week of any year they are not fighting.

On a typical weekend morning, two nicely fed and rested kids were fighting about which color belongs to whom while painting while I was in the kitchen listening to them fighting about which color belongs to whom while painting. Then suddenly I hear no words. Silence for a few seconds. And a few more. And then a few more... I grew increasingly curious what could have happened and emerged in the hall to see two nicely fed and rested kids sitting on the sofa in harmony watching TV. point noted. Some unanswered questions still remain in my mind. What made the kids to stop fighting and suddenly turn the TV on? Were the kids bored of fighting? How come they did not fight about who will turn the TV on? and so on and so forth ..

On a typical weekend afternoon, two nicely fed and rested kids were fighting about who will go hide first while I was gathering the laundry and listening to them fight about who will go hide first. And suddenly I hear no words. Silence for a few seconds. And a few more, and then a few more... I grew increasingly curious about what could have happened and emerged in the hall to see two nicely fed and rested kids sitting on the chairs side by side eating ice cream. point noted. Some unanswered questions still remain in my mind. What made the two kids stop fighting and suddenly eat ice cream? Were the kids bored of fighting? How come they did not fight about who has gotten more ice cream and who has gotten less? and so on and so forth..

Let's just say I am not a good detective..or am I?

Friday, March 7, 2014

nOt nIcE !!

To my dismay I found out yesterday that the season names in English are not capitalized..thanks to Jay. I was in shock though. If H in Halloween can be capital, T in Thanksgiving can be capital, then why not S in spring? I mean I know kids love Halloween and holidays in general, but who does not love Spring? anyone??

I pray to the goddess of English grammar or some agency on the second floor of a tall building on Broadway and 67th which controls the English grammar in the world that they pay close attention to a mother with south Asian origin living in east coast of USA about my plea to change this immediately.

Here is what I propose for spring - SpRiNg
Here is what I propose for summer - SUMMER

What makes me think I am missing something here?? oh..yeah..I know why because I do not consider winter and fall as seasons. Winter is torture and fall is semi-torture. Here is what I propose for the both of them. Also I am introducing a new concept of crazy case letters here (Upper case, Lower case, crazy case, get it??)

Here is how we write winter - w n er i h a t e u
Here is how we write fall - fa__  (those two dashes are the fallen “l”s in the fall..crazy right?)

What do you say? With me??

Friday, October 25, 2013

God I love Gods!!

Since I have a lot of work to do and no time for myself, I was thinking the other day about which God is one of my favorites. Apparently gods did not have too much work that day, so they came on the stage to show off their skills and what not. Poor things did not know I already had my mind set. Sorry god..human beings...(roll your that allowed as a God?)

I love love love Ganapati. Something to do with the goofy looks and loving eyes I guess. Goofy looks and loving eyes remind me of someone I know..who could that are some people who carry their purses wondering why they are so heavy and always have scrunchy on their wrists. Sometimes they do not remember their phone numbers and ask people to give them a missed call while exchanging contact information. They also like to eat a lot.

Then I love Krishna. Mischief. I love that. Who can live the entire whole life without it? I would like to be krishna once during my day. I would love to steal something from someone's lunch box if I think I love it more than anything. I also love that he has Radha And Meera both yearning for him. Who would not want 1 woman who dances and other woman who sings just doing that so you can be happy? And talk about giving advice. Love love love it. I want someone to write a book about how much advice I give to people around me. I bet people have a lot to learn from me. (note: Halo is for real)

Now don't get me wrong they both have great qualities other than these, but somehow these goofy mischievious things make them so human for me. If Gods can do all this, then why can't I? I came late to office, so what? I am sure Lord Krishna would have done the same thing if he was in my place. I stole a laddu from someone's lunch box..I am sure Ganpati is with me on this one. Stealing sweets is allowed until you reach age when you cannot eat them anymore. He told me so.

Then comes Maruti. You guessed it. Goofy. Smart and slighly weird. Remember once Maruti grew larger and larger in size? I totally want that but in opposite way. When Jay and Nina are throwing tantrums, I was to shink ..smaller and smaller small that they ultimately can't find me. And think about leaping. Oh my..God knows how helpful that will be for me when I am sitting in the bus stuck in Lincoln tunnel traffic..way to go Maruti god..

Now you might think, whats wrong with Rama and so on and so forth? Nothing actually. It's just that they seem way too serious. I can't approach them often with my issues because I am so silly. Remember Soup Nazi from Seinfield? He used to say No Soup for You..if someone made a slight mistake? I fear the other gods will say, No wending machine M&Ms for you today silly lady, if I crack a silly joke in front of him...God knows I love my M&Ms..don't you God?

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

"Joey" The Joey

little joey suddenly felt cold and very very hungry. What just happened? He was frightened. He felt his body shivering. In a split second he felt warm again. inside out. He felt overwhelming sense that a constant source of love was surrounding him. It was a feeling we can only experience. What just happened? he thought...Nevertheless, I should stop thinking and start must have gone by when Joey slept and ate and slept and ate and rested. He really did not care much. He was getting all he wanted to get. It was more like he was getting everything without really knowing what he wanted..that and sometimes it felt like he was riding a roller coaster. Kind of bumpy. Like a lullaby to put him to sleep if he was awake. I love this..he thought..

Tiny Joey got just a tiny bit stronger by all that resting and eating and resting and eating..and figured out he has legs. Tiny legs he can move. It was kind of fun. He could twist and turn and move his tiny head a bit ..but he still wanted to rest and eat and rest and eat and rest and he did just that..I love this..he thought..

Little Joey got a little bit stronger by all that resting and eating and resting and eating ..and figured he could do a was something..He was proud of himself. But why do i feel different suddenly? I see a whole lot of different things now..I see colors, I hear sounds, I see that I am moving without actually moving my body..Am i dreaming? Who is doing this to me? He looked around and saw someone he connected with instantly. She smiled. She patted him gently. That was reassuring. He was not that nervous any more. He felt confident and calm. He peeked his head a little more and started enjoying the ride. But there only this much little Joey could do before he felt tired again. Then all he wanted was to rest and eat and rest and eat and rest and he did just that..I love this..he thought..

Joey was full of life now. He smiled, ate, played, giggled, rested and did somersaults. But that was not enough now. He wanted to explore. He did not have to do much. She understood. She gently gave him a nudge just enough for him to jump out on his own and stand on his own for the very first time. It was magical!! Magical for both of them. Magical happiness poured out of their hearts. Magical music played in their ears and magical energy gave them just enough boost to explore together. But he missed something terribly. He missed the closeness and the secure feeling. His eyes spilled out his feelings and she smiled. Her eyes were inviting more than ever before and he jumped in like there is no tomorrow. Together they were..again..

Months must have gone by and Joey grew by leaps and bounds. He became more aware of himself and more independent. He became more adventurous. One fine morning when he was out there exploring with her, she looked at him and they spoke. They spoke a language of love that only they could understand. She was proud of him. It was time she said. I know he nodded. But when I am scared, will I do fine? he asked. You will my boy. WHen scared remember that safe place you came from and you will do just fine. She said. That one moment when they looked at each other felt like a moment frozen in time. So beautiful and no natural. So sad and so happy. So "only theirs"..and off he went away from her...

Last week I read a book to Sunshine and Buttercup about Kangaroos and found it interesting that A female kangaroo gives birth to a tiny baby about the size of a jellybean weighing only 2gm. A kangaroo baby is called "Joey". She carries it in her pouch for months until it is at a stage of development where it can live outside the pouch. Hats off to you Kangaroo moms!! I love you all. You rock!!

Wednesday, October 2, 2013

Rainbow heart

I am always amazed by the rainbow. I can look at it for hours if it would stay. It is not just the awesome colors and the amazing shape that awakens every desire to live inside me, it's so much more than that. The colors are bound together so tightly like a band of brothers. Nobody can ever try to separate them. It's so so high up I am always curious how will it be to sit on it and kind of slide down until I realize even more beautiful thing about it - that is it really does not exist. It's just a phenomenon. It's not a thing I can touch and feel with my hands. How can something like this give me such tremendous joy? then I start thinking about my life and realize lots of things that are not physical things give me extreme joy. Ever wonder where is love coming from? Where in my body does it really exist? I can never touch it with my hands but it fills my entire being. Ever wonder where is compassion coming from? I can feel it all the time. I can feel it so much flowing inside me. I bet there is a rainbow inside me. Inside every human being. All these colors are the feelings. Good feelings, scary feelings, nervous feeling, feelings of excitement, compassion, affection and pure joy. They are sticking together like a band of brothers. They need each other. Sometimes it rains inside me. It rains for days. There is no sun. Not even a hint of it. It feels utterly hopeless and gloomy. All I have to do then is to remember my precious moments with the rainbow. When it all sunny and bright, I will see it again. It's going to fill my whole entire body and being with such palpable excitement and joy, I am going to grow much stronger than I was ever before. My rainbow heart beckons your rainbow heart today. May our rainbows collide some day or may I say mingle??

Monday, September 30, 2013

For my heart and soul...

One precious boy was busy dreaming about a night full of sleep. As he went to bed each night he must have asked himself this question "Is today going to be the night I sleep through?". His red patchy rough skin full of Veseline and hands inside mittens irritated him like no other thing on the earth has. He kept his words to himself most of the times. He knew he has to live with this for the time being at least. His seven year old soul had kept itself busy throughout the day. He did go to school yawning. He studied his maths with heavy eyes. He memorized his spellings and finished his homework as told. The best time of the day was when he was on the playground playing tag. It was sunny and hot. He did not realize this until he came in and felt sorry for doing that. The itchiness was incredibly bad. He could not sit still. He could not write properly. He could not think through. He was worried if he continued scratching he would bleed on his uniform and his friends would make fun of him. He still made it through. He gave his best shot.

"Why me mommy?" he asked while taking bath which seemed like a torture. Why do people enjoy baths he would think each day. Why do people love swimming he pondered. Why can't I eat anything I like without worrying? His little mind drifted back and forth between all the whys several times during the day. At dinner time when he was sitting and chatting with mom and his little sister, mom asked "if you had the power to control the world, what kind of place do you want it to be?" little sis said "I want the world to have lots of toy shops and shoe shops" it was his turn. He looked at mom and found her eagerly waiting for his words. With his eyes full of kindness, he said "I want nobody in this world to be sick. They all need to be healthy" Mom was speechless and sad. Mom kissed his sweet face and whispered "If I could I would take away all your sickness my boy. All of it..."