Saturday, April 5, 2014

Why am I the way I am...

J and N,

One day when you wonder why you are the way you are, this will help you…

I have fear of failure. It makes me not want to do stuff. I remember all the times I have failed..I remember everything very clearly. What made me fail, people around me, my reaction, my sentiments…everything like it happened yesterday. Fortunately for me, I have just enough memory to remember that the number of times I have succeeded is far more than the number of times I have failed.

I have fear of commitment. At times I get anxious about the smallest thing possible…I might invite people over for lunch and just a day before they are supposed to come, I find myself finding excuses to cancel it. Fortunately for me, I know I always go through this loop and somehow  have always come out of it with brighter colors. So I just let it be.

I am afraid of heights. I have lived on the sixteenth floor of a building for many years now. Every time I look out, I remember my fear for heights. Fortunately for me, every time I look out, I have found something in the sky that does not fail to amaze me.

I consider myself born broken with label “Extra Fragile” on me. I have never been able to be practical in any small or big situation until now. My heart breaks throughout the day on many simple things. Fortunately for me, I love being broken, fragile and vulnerable.

I have heart, soul and mind. Heart is where everything is created. I might know what it is until my soul lets it in. Soul is where the assembly is. With band and music. Soul invites my mind over there. Soul says “Mr. Mind, Today I am extremely happy and filled with all sorts of positive feelings. You can be happy and you can work too”. Other times, Soul says “Everything sucks brother brain.. Sorry Not a good day..You can take a break today..P.S:I still love you…” My heart and soul have always won over my mind. My brain has never worked without my soul’s permission.

I believe there is a like a real fire truck engine inside my heart somewhere. No kidding. Its bright red and I can’t ever ignore it. When I meet a stranger, sometimes the fire engine starts speeding to some destination. The siren is blaring and the lights are flashing. I hear it..”Fire in Sangoville…Code red..code red ..” I drop everything and pay attention to this true calling. May be this is the connection I can’t ignore. If I do ignore it, the fire will eventually consume all the  Sangeeta-ness in me. So I surrender to it. Without worrying about space, time, outcome..any of it..

Someday you will wonder why you are the way you are…you are the way you are because ..

And it is not just okay, but extremely positively absolutely okay to be the way you are…