Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Mommy Brain

Since this planet is blessed for almost 40 years with my presence, I wonder that did I contribute and what I am supposed to be doing or contributing.

Flashback to long long ago...
Long long ago when some man (Yes!! man) had nothing and I mean NOTHING to do on his plate for months after months and years after years, one day he woke up and bam!!! He thought to himself..well may be I am supposed to think about - what am I doing here? and the philosophy was born..

Some people (like the one I live with) do not buy into all this C.R.A.P and they put their shoes on and put one foot in front of other and say "Hell with what I am supposed to do here..I am just doing to go do it.." But some people like me buy into the C.R.A.P and when they wake up in the middle of the night, they say to themselves..well..what am I supposed to do? Then when they are waiting for the bus, they say..well..what is my purpose of living?? then when they are looking at people in the meeting, they say..why was I brought into this world??
Is my purpose of living -
1> Pack three pairs of shoes for Nina so she can have a good day at school?
2> Keep extra water bottle for Jay because he is going on a field trip?
3> Provide no help to mom who is here to visit and ask her to bring me water?

You's a boradway show everyday..I am the stage director..I am mostly working behind the scenes..I take care of lights, sound, dialogues, wardrobe. I prompt ..I dance as an extra when 2 kids are doing their main part..and when the show is over, and everyone is in the limelight, I say to myself..well?? Is the job well done?? And the answer is - The job is done for today. But could be done better may be tomorrow..

flashback to a week back..
A mom dropping her twins off at the bus stop for summer camp..She seems all happy and content and talking to me and suddenly all the colors on the face fade off..oh no..she was supposed to make her kids wear socks today because they are going roller she goes to get the socks and before she comes, the bus is gone with the kids in it..Her show was ruined..She ruined her show all by herself..She could see herself standing a few feet from her and say " totally messed up your kid's day today..You should be punished.."

When a mom goes to sleep, we should catch the things happening in her mind..It would be totally funny and scary. In fact why is the science not yet advanced so we can explore this yet? May be that is what I SHOULD be doing.. to mom's world when she appears to be sleeping..Here is what goes on in there-
I wish I had become an is so not for me..wait..isn't Nina supposed to have a show-and-tell about sports tomorrow? Show-and-tell tomorrow..Why can't I still try to become an actress? or a teacher? They say it's never too late..why is it always that they say "they say"? Who were they? Jay has to return library book..library book..library case I miss a 7:26 I still have a 7:40 bus and then I can still make to the meeting tomorrow..summer camp admission..

and so on...and so forth...

Mommy brains are tough cookies. If I tell my brain this is all what I am supposed to do, may be half of the brain cells would agree just out of sympathy and other half would look straight at me and say "Really? think woman..think.." Isn't thinking brain's responsibility and not mine? Or has my brain out sourced thinking to some other agency that I need to get in touch with? I think mommy brain has pockets of cells which contradict with other bunch of cells in a weird way. Majority of them point out to you with enthusiasm that you are a bad mommy. Some group of cells there insists that they think by simply thinking you are a bad mommy, you are actually a good mommy. And some other bunch of cells indicate that you are observing this bad mommy and good mommy conversation between your brain cells and you actually know you are a good mommy, but you would rather prefer to be called a bad mommy anyways..

Do not worry of you do not get any of this, because, frankly, I don't get it either..but, oh well..