March of Sangeeta...

Behold...I am about to turn 40. I have almost made it..I have been pondering on how to venture all "Sangeeta Style" into this very especial year of my life ..and boy have to admit Sangeeta Style is confusing. So then I took a deep deep deep breath and thought about something wonderful.

From now until my birthday, I am going to do 40 things for others. 40 things that involve someone else's benefit. 40 little/medium/big acts of selflessness..40 things to inspire the human being inside me. 40 things that have nothing to do with me. Then I stopped..this is not true. Everything I do or will do will give me something in return. It will help me find myself in return. The part of me which may be I lost while growing up each year of my life. 40 things will teach me hundreds of things I used to have as a baby and how I gave up on those things when I grow up to be this Sangeeta I am..

The big big big issue is I do not know those 40 things. The awesome awesome awesome issue is I do not know those 40 things. I know I need to start small and I need to keep my eyes and heart open. I am certainly not expecting you to expect big things from me. It could be just a simple act of opening a door for a mom carrying a kid and a heavy stroller or asking a co-worker how he or she is and really LISTENING. Small is Big - for me. Small is good - for me. Small is everything I am looking for. Small counts when I do it purposely and wholeheartedly...

So I am asking your help my virtual friends. Close your eyes and pray for me that when Sangeeta starts her day she has a burning desire to find a cause and when she sleeps she has a smile - well - on most days..

If Sangeeta has what it takes, Sangeeta will come back to her blog and blog her journey. small step..one step at a time..slow and steady..

remembering you...

Dear S,

It's been years I wanted to write to you since we can't talk now. The more I waited , the more the guilt I felt and then I waited some more.

I remember my first day in a new company and I felt like a country mouse lost in the city. Amongst a bunch of new co-workers, I was somehow able to make it till lunch time and that's when I ran into you. I noticed your bright white teeth and big happy eyes. They invited me right away. As I walked towards you, you did the same. I noticed you limping a bit. As we stood close, I noticed your smile was perfect. Warm and simple and inviting. We hit it off right away. From that day on, you became the only constant in my changing professional world. A place to rest. A person to talk to. A friend to share with. I waited for lunch times so I could see you and talk to you for a few minutes. I wanted to know how was your day when I came to office. I missed you when you took days off. All this while I wondered if I should ask you about your leg.

One day as we were out for a walk and taking escalator, I asked you. You grinned and said you had a visitor in past. The big "C". He is all gone now with this tiny itty bitty thing left behind as a sign. You shook your head and looked at me. I knew you what you were saying to me. You were just you. You were not someone who has something or had something. You are your usual jolly self. I never brought it up.

A year later you stood next to me in cafeteria while I picked strawberries to fill my plate and waited patiently. You nodded and said "Ignore people waiting. You crave for it. You get it." A few months later, you called me in hospital to wish me luck as I started motherhood. As I got all wrapped up in work and home, you kept calling and I kept being busy. A few months later, I caught you near the exit door. For the first time, you looked lost. But then you smiled and told me they no longer want you here. As I wrapped up my busy days, I thought I should call and check on you every day.

A few months later, I got a call from you. You sounded tired but still happy and content. You said I need your help. Suddenly, all the work I needed to get done flashed in front of my eyes and I said to myself, now what? You said the big has "C" visited you once more and this time its brutal. My eyes welled up and voice choked. My words were frozen and I looked at myself with pity. You needed help from me to fill your official work.

A few weeks later, as I sat all tired in bus going back home, you called me and said you were still fighting. Fighting with all your might. And your kids are suffering. I sat there shaken. thinking about my kid and your kids. I told you I will come and help you.

A few days later, I felt I need to talk to you right away. I need to meet you right away. I missed you badly. The bad feeling surrounded me whole day in it's own busy way. I emailed you. I called you to get your voicemail. I sent email to your friend asking where were you. Why are you not responding. I refreshed my email often to see if I got any word from you.

A few days later, your friend emailed me back saying you are no more.

My friend, I missed talking to you before you left merely because I thought I was too busy. I postponed calling you because I thought nothing can happen today. I failed at being a good friend because I thought I was already too good. You taught me such a big lesson without saying a single word.

This is for you "S" - so sorry...

Why am I the way I am...

J and N,

One day when you wonder why you are the way you are, this will help you…

I have fear of failure. It makes me not want to do stuff. I remember all the times I have failed..I remember everything very clearly. What made me fail, people around me, my reaction, my sentiments…everything like it happened yesterday. Fortunately for me, I have just enough memory to remember that the number of times I have succeeded is far more than the number of times I have failed.

I have fear of commitment. At times I get anxious about the smallest thing possible…I might invite people over for lunch and just a day before they are supposed to come, I find myself finding excuses to cancel it. Fortunately for me, I know I always go through this loop and somehow  have always come out of it with brighter colors. So I just let it be.

I am afraid of heights. I have lived on the sixteenth floor of a building for many years now. Every time I look out, I remember my fear for heights. Fortunately for me, every time I look out, I have found something in the sky that does not fail to amaze me.

I consider myself born broken with label “Extra Fragile” on me. I have never been able to be practical in any small or big situation until now. My heart breaks throughout the day on many simple things. Fortunately for me, I love being broken, fragile and vulnerable.

I have heart, soul and mind. Heart is where everything is created. I might know what it is until my soul lets it in. Soul is where the assembly is. With band and music. Soul invites my mind over there. Soul says “Mr. Mind, Today I am extremely happy and filled with all sorts of positive feelings. You can be happy and you can work too”. Other times, Soul says “Everything sucks brother brain.. Sorry Not a good day..You can take a break today..P.S:I still love you…” My heart and soul have always won over my mind. My brain has never worked without my soul’s permission.

I believe there is a like a real fire truck engine inside my heart somewhere. No kidding. Its bright red and I can’t ever ignore it. When I meet a stranger, sometimes the fire engine starts speeding to some destination. The siren is blaring and the lights are flashing. I hear it..”Fire in Sangoville…Code red..code red ..” I drop everything and pay attention to this true calling. May be this is the connection I can’t ignore. If I do ignore it, the fire will eventually consume all the  Sangeeta-ness in me. So I surrender to it. Without worrying about space, time, outcome..any of it..

Someday you will wonder why you are the way you are…you are the way you are because ..

And it is not just okay, but extremely positively absolutely okay to be the way you are…


 

A so called detective..

I took it upon myself to find out why I wanted two kids to begin with. I must say looking at the result I am amazed how naive I was. Then I started closely watching them and making some notes in my mind.

On a typical weekend when I expect two nicely fed and rested kids to play, Jay complains "I am bored." Then Nina complains "I am bored.". Then I turn to Jay and say "How come you are bored? That was the whole reason I wanted two of you." Jay does not even wait for a second and says "I want one more..third one." I do not even wait for a second and say "Then three of you will get bored seperately. Whats the point of going through all this pain again?" Jay gets it. Smart kid.

When the kids are not bored, they are fighting. It feels like they fight until eternity. sometimes eternity times eternity. Then I took it upon myself to find out if there is any time of any day in any week of any year they are not fighting.

On a typical weekend morning, two nicely fed and rested kids were fighting about which color belongs to whom while painting while I was in the kitchen listening to them fighting about which color belongs to whom while painting. Then suddenly I hear no words. Silence for a few seconds. And a few more. And then a few more... I grew increasingly curious what could have happened and emerged in the hall to see two nicely fed and rested kids sitting on the sofa in harmony watching TV. point noted. Some unanswered questions still remain in my mind. What made the kids to stop fighting and suddenly turn the TV on? Were the kids bored of fighting? How come they did not fight about who will turn the TV on? and so on and so forth ..

On a typical weekend afternoon, two nicely fed and rested kids were fighting about who will go hide first while I was gathering the laundry and listening to them fight about who will go hide first. And suddenly I hear no words. Silence for a few seconds. And a few more, and then a few more... I grew increasingly curious about what could have happened and emerged in the hall to see two nicely fed and rested kids sitting on the chairs side by side eating ice cream. point noted. Some unanswered questions still remain in my mind. What made the two kids stop fighting and suddenly eat ice cream? Were the kids bored of fighting? How come they did not fight about who has gotten more ice cream and who has gotten less? and so on and so forth..

Let's just say I am not a good detective..or am I?

nOt nIcE !!

To my dismay I found out yesterday that the season names in English are not capitalized..thanks to Jay. I was in shock though. If H in Halloween can be capital, T in Thanksgiving can be capital, then why not S in spring? I mean I know kids love Halloween and holidays in general, but who does not love Spring? anyone??

I pray to the goddess of English grammar or some agency on the second floor of a tall building on Broadway and 67th which controls the English grammar in the world that they pay close attention to a mother with south Asian origin living in east coast of USA about my plea to change this immediately.

Here is what I propose for spring - SpRiNg

Here is what I propose for summer - SUMMER

What makes me think I am missing something here?? oh..yeah..I know why because I do not consider winter and fall as seasons. Winter is torture and fall is semi-torture. Here is what I propose for the both of them. Also I am introducing a new concept of crazy case letters here (Upper case, Lower case, crazy case, get it??)

Here is how we write winter - w n er i h a t e u

Here is how we write fall - fa__  (those two dashes are the fallen “l”s in the fall..crazy right?)

What do you say? With me??

God I love Gods!!

Since I have a lot of work to do and no time for myself, I was thinking the other day about which God is one of my favorites. Apparently gods did not have too much work that day, so they came on the stage to show off their skills and what not. Poor things did not know I already had my mind set. Sorry god..human beings...(roll your eyes..wait..is that allowed as a God?)

I love love love Ganapati. Something to do with the goofy looks and loving eyes I guess. Goofy looks and loving eyes remind me of someone I know..who could that be..um....these are some people who carry their purses wondering why they are so heavy and always have scrunchy on their wrists. Sometimes they do not remember their phone numbers and ask people to give them a missed call while exchanging contact information. They also like to eat a lot. sweets...um...

Then I love Krishna. Mischief. I love that. Who can live the entire whole life without it? I would like to be krishna once during my day. I would love to steal something from someone's lunch box if I think I love it more than anything. I also love that he has Radha And Meera both yearning for him. Who would not want 1 woman who dances and other woman who sings just doing that so you can be happy? And talk about giving advice. Love love love it. I want someone to write a book about how much advice I give to people around me. I bet people have a lot to learn from me. (note: Halo is for real)

Now don't get me wrong they both have great qualities other than these, but somehow these goofy mischievious things make them so human for me. If Gods can do all this, then why can't I? I came late to office, so what? I am sure Lord Krishna would have done the same thing if he was in my place. I stole a laddu from someone's lunch box..I am sure Ganpati is with me on this one. Stealing sweets is allowed until you reach age when you cannot eat them anymore. He told me so.

Then comes Maruti. You guessed it. Goofy. Smart and slighly weird. Remember once Maruti grew larger and larger in size? I totally want that but in opposite way. When Jay and Nina are throwing tantrums, I was to shink ..smaller and smaller ..so small that they ultimately can't find me. And think about leaping. Oh my..God knows how helpful that will be for me when I am sitting in the bus stuck in Lincoln tunnel traffic..way to go Maruti god..

Now you might think, whats wrong with Rama and so on and so forth? Nothing actually. It's just that they seem way too serious. I can't approach them often with my issues because I am so silly. Remember Soup Nazi from Seinfield? He used to say No Soup for You..if someone made a slight mistake? I fear the other gods will say, No wending machine M&Ms for you today silly lady, if I crack a silly joke in front of him...God knows I love my M&Ms..don't you God?

"Joey" The Joey

little joey suddenly felt cold and very very hungry. What just happened? He was frightened. He felt his body shivering. In a split second he felt warm again. inside out. He felt overwhelming sense that a constant source of love was surrounding him. It was a feeling we can only experience. What just happened? he thought...Nevertheless, I should stop thinking and start enjoying..rest..eat..rest..eat..rest..eat..rest..eat..days must have gone by when Joey slept and ate and slept and ate and rested. He really did not care much. He was getting all he wanted to get. It was more like he was getting everything without really knowing what he wanted..that and sometimes it felt like he was riding a roller coaster. Kind of bumpy. Like a lullaby to put him to sleep if he was awake. I love this..he thought..

Tiny Joey got just a tiny bit stronger by all that resting and eating and resting and eating..and figured out he has legs. Tiny legs he can move. It was kind of fun. He could twist and turn and move his tiny head a bit ..but he still wanted to rest and eat and rest and eat and rest and eat...so he did just that..I love this..he thought..

Little Joey got a little bit stronger by all that resting and eating and resting and eating ..and figured he could do a somersault..wow..that was something..He was proud of himself. But why do i feel different suddenly? I see a whole lot of different things now..I see colors, I hear sounds, I see that I am moving without actually moving my body..Am i dreaming? Who is doing this to me? He looked around and saw someone he connected with instantly. She smiled. She patted him gently. That was reassuring. He was not that nervous any more. He felt confident and calm. He peeked his head a little more and started enjoying the ride. But there only this much little Joey could do before he felt tired again. Then all he wanted was to rest and eat and rest and eat and rest and eat..so he did just that..I love this..he thought..

Joey was full of life now. He smiled, ate, played, giggled, rested and did somersaults. But that was not enough now. He wanted to explore. He did not have to do much. She understood. She gently gave him a nudge just enough for him to jump out on his own and stand on his own for the very first time. It was magical!! Magical for both of them. Magical happiness poured out of their hearts. Magical music played in their ears and magical energy gave them just enough boost to explore together. But he missed something terribly. He missed the closeness and the secure feeling. His eyes spilled out his feelings and she smiled. Her eyes were inviting more than ever before and he jumped in like there is no tomorrow. Together they were..again..

Months must have gone by and Joey grew by leaps and bounds. He became more aware of himself and more independent. He became more adventurous. One fine morning when he was out there exploring with her, she looked at him and they spoke. They spoke a language of love that only they could understand. She was proud of him. It was time she said. I know he nodded. But when I am scared, will I do fine? he asked. You will my boy. WHen scared remember that safe place you came from and you will do just fine. She said. That one moment when they looked at each other felt like a moment frozen in time. So beautiful and no natural. So sad and so happy. So "only theirs"..and off he went away from her...

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Last week I read a book to Sunshine and Buttercup about Kangaroos and found it interesting that A female kangaroo gives birth to a tiny baby about the size of a jellybean weighing only 2gm. A kangaroo baby is called "Joey". She carries it in her pouch for months until it is at a stage of development where it can live outside the pouch. Hats off to you Kangaroo moms!! I love you all. You rock!!